I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
