oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
