Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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