Kiss
Puke
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
