Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
