Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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