I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
