Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Please don't give away my fajitas
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
