Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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