So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
