he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
