i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
