remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
