Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I can text with my tongue
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He shit in the fireplace
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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