You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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