remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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