there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
