once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
