After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
