How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
