toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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