Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
