and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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