Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
