I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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