Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
