I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
