I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
