Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
