No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
