Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
