If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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