How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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