at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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