Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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