I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
