I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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