seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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