You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
