Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
