Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize