Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
