Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
