All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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