why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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