he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
