You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
