a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
