Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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