Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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