I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
