I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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