Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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